


Hey, old friend

by TinyBookDragon



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gen, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Up, Romantic Fluff, and virgil's a mess like always, janus is so soft an gentle with virgil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:21:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24250504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinyBookDragon/pseuds/TinyBookDragon
Summary: It was a long time since Virgil stood in the darker part of the mindscape and yet the common room was almost identical to what he remembered.-After realising some things, Virgil goes on a trip into his past. Making amends was never said to be easy, but no one could prepare him for the things that ensued after his, slightly overdue, attempt at apologising.-I got inspired to write this one when listening to "Hold us together" by WILD, hence the title being one of the two lyrics that hit my inspiration too hard. Hope you will enjoy it!
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit Sanders, anxceit
Comments: 8
Kudos: 107





	Hey, old friend

It was a long time since Virgil stood in the darker part of the mindscape and yet the common room was almost identical to what he remembered, if not for the lack of TV which Remus must have finally broken beyond repair and nobody bothered summoning a new one. It was weird to be back there, the feeling of a world he used to be a part of, like visiting the school one graduated and just came by a few years later to say hi to the teachers – this kind of feeling. The place seemingly the same and yet entirely different.

He was just looking around, stalling before going deeper, gaze flickering from the dusty art on the walls, a lamp emitting a bit of dim light, the couch…

His eyes fell onto the figure sitting there, looking at him with one eyebrow raised.

No, no, no, he wasn’t supposed to be there. Virgil wasn’t ready to find him there, not so suddenly. Or maybe he hoped to stall a bit longer, not having to face him until he was stood before his room’s door, for sure stalling some more before knocking.

But he wasn’t in his room and Virgil briefly wondered why he would even assume he wouldn’t be in the commons.

Janus watched him open his mouth to say something, eyes quickly snapping to the floor, but nothing came out. He tried a bunch of times, not realising the confusion painted on the other’s face, before slumping against the doorframe, nearly falling. He finally looked up at the seated side, an expression of concern directed towards the anxious one.

There were tears in Virgil’s eyes.

Janus got up and closed the distance in a few quick strides. Without asking, he gathered Virgil into his arms. This used to happen all of the time, back when. But wasn’t Virgil already accepted?

He broke down completely as soon as he felt the warmth of the familiar embrace. He cried, and cried, and tried to apologise for all of this but nothing coherent could make it past his lips. The only thing keeping him standing was the pressure of hands on his back, one at his waist’s level, the other on his shoulder blade, and the feeling of fabric grasped tightly in his fists.

“You’re okay”, Janus whispered, not for the first time. He was rocking them oh so slightly, trying to calm the other down. “I’m here. I’ve got you. You’re okay”.

How many times did Virgil end up like this? Breaking at the seams, not able to hold himself together, seeing some kind of steadiness in Janus? How many nights did Janus spend calming Virgil down, talking down all his panic-induced thoughts?

How many times was he a burden, just like today?

“You’re not a burden”, Janus said. He felt Virgil’s trembling subside for a moment and picking up again as soon as the lie Janus caught appeared in his mind. He didn’t like entering others’ heads but he needed to know what was troubling Virgil.

He hoped that the consent for this he received before their falling out was not expired.

“I- I- I-“, Virgil started after unknowable amount of time, hands loosening their grasp on the yellow button-up the other wore that day. “Thank you”, he finally settled on. “I- thank you”.

Janus was worried to let him go, worried that the still trembling man will fall as soon as the support is gone, so he slowly led them to the couch he was previously lounging on. The couch on which they used to watch movies before it all fell apart. The couch on which Janus had comforted Virgil more times that was worth counting and where Virgil had helped him get out of some of his moods at least equally as many times. A couch on which Remus caught them kissing that one time when they weren’t as on guard as usual.

All those memories were pushed back into the shadows of Janus’s consciousness. Now was not the time to reminiscent the past.

Virgil sat there, once again not looking up. Thinking. Fidgeting. Wanting to flee but knowing it wouldn’t be fair to the other. He didn’t come here just to cry himself out on Janus’s shoulder. He wasn’t going to make it look like he just wanted to use him.

He inhaled deeply and broke the heavy silence “I’m sorry”.

Virgil sounded so determined that Janus couldn’t help but be a little taken aback. That was not the tone he’d expect after such display of emotions. It didn’t seem suitable for what he was apologising.

“You know I’m here for you if you need me”, no matter what, Janus almost added, because it was true. He’d never lie to Virgil about something this fragile. No matter the arguments they had had, no matter the disagreements, he had always been there to comfort the other. He knew how much he needed that. He knew how bad it felt not to get that, had plenty of opportunities to get to know the feeling when Virgil decided to leave them. How could he deny Virgil that?

He cared so much about the anxious man and could never get rid of the feeling, no matter how hard he tried. The argument that ended it all had hurt, hurt more than anything he’d ever experienced and for a long time he hated Virgil because of it. Or, well, he tried to pretend it was pure hatred. But it wouldn’t hurt so much if it was.

It hurt so much because he cared. And he could do nothing to stop it. No amount of convincing himself was able to undo what had been once planted in his heart.

But he couldn’t exactly forgive and forget the words thrown at him that faithful night.

“No”, Virgil shook his head, looking into those mismatched eyes he used to get lost in. The awareness of what he’d done to Janus stung even more than the process in which he got to it. The process which led him here, now, silently demanding a favour he was so used to getting in the past without having to say a word, but never feeling good about bothering the other with his messes. He was the only one Virgil felt safe in being openly vulnerable with, back when… 

Virgil stopped his line of thought before it started to spiral out of control and made him break down again. He was there to make amends, not take advantage of what once were. He wasn’t meant to break down like that, wasn’t meant to be comforted like that. He was just… too overwhelmed by the guilt hitting him in a tsunami-like wave once he laid his eyes on Janus, having the knowledge of how bad were all the mistakes he’d so selfishly made.

“I’m sorry for hurting you”. Virgil’s throat was closing up at the words, but he swallowed the feeling down and continued, not letting Janus interject. “I’m so sorry for what I’ve said that day. I- I realise how unfair my words were. I’m sorry it took so long. I- I- “ another breath was taken in as Virgil started to feel his eyes water again. “I was a jerk. You’re not an useless liar, you- you’ve never lied about the important things, and… and no matter how much I tried to convince myself, you’ve never tired to selfishly hold me back when I started to get into the ‘light side’ business. All- all that I said, I just, I want to take it all back so badly but I know I can’t and you shouldn’t even forgive me I mean here I am I came to apologise and broke down instead and I’ve made myself seem like a victim again and ohgodImsosorry”.

Janus stopped his rambling by putting a hand on Virgil’s cheek, just as gentle as when everything wasn’t so complicated between them, a small, warm smile lifting the corner of his lips.

The gesture made Virgil lift his eyes again, having averted them at some point during his monologue, he wasn’t even sure when. He saw the warmth in Janus’s eyes and startled. He was prepared to have the metaphorical door shut in his face, his apology rejected and, to be fair, he would be okay with it. After all he’d done, who could have blamed Janus for not forgiving him?

But here Janus was, fondness in his eyes and a smile on his lips. Virgil wasn’t prepared for a hand on his cheek in any way different from a slap. He wasn’t prepared for the questioning head tilt, meaning of which could never be erased from Virgil’s brain, and he was definitely not prepared for a pair of lips on his own, naturally falling into a rhythm that was also never forgotten. It felt like it was just yesterday they shared their last kiss.

It was soft and sweet, and all the emotions inside Virgil were so overwhelming; the mix of guilt and relief, sheer happiness with a bit of confused surprise, denial that it was actually happening and the painfully clear awareness that it actually was, all the longing and hurt and the feeling that shall not be named – it was almost too much. All he could do not to break apart again was press himself against Janus just a bit more, hands reaching out to clasp the material of his shirt for the second time that night, while Janus’s ended up holding his other cheek before moving his hands to the back of his head just enough to tangle in his hair.

When they parted, breathless, what they just did dawned on Virgil with full force and fear took hold of his heart. He looked into the other’s eyes, still close, so close, too close, panic clear in his own brown, wide-open ones.

Janus put a finger to his lips for a second and then just barely brushed them on Virgil’s cheek before putting some distance between them, hands coming up to rest on Virgil’s shoulder, applying just enough pressure to feel grounding and not forceful.

“I love you”, Janus confessed. Virgil’s eyes opened even wider, which he didn’t think was possible. Janus chuckled quietly seeing the reaction.

“I- I-“. Virgil was too shocked to form any proper sentence. It was the first time those words were spoken between them aloud, and to hear them after all that happened, after all he did, after so much time has passed… He tried to swallow the bile in his throat, but to no avail. “I-“

No, he couldn’t say it back. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. Not when he still felt like he wasn’t deserving the privilege to do so, not when he still felt like he didn’t do enough to make it up to the other – he hadn’t done anything to make it up to Janus! But he knew what his silence may be taken as and he didn’t want to ruin everything once more, not when it turned out that maybe, just maybe, it may go back to how it was before.

He could just hope that Janus would understand. He didn’t expect him to, he was ready to be pushed away, for real this time, the side holding the role of self-preservation not willing to risk getting hurt once again when the signs that he wouldn’t be were almost nonexistent. What was an apology worth in the big picture? It wasn’t a promise that the history won’t repeat itself.

“I’m sorry”, Virgil just apologised, closing his eyes tightly, getting ready to be snarled at and at the same time not ready to see the warmth in the other’s eyes turn ice cold.

Janus clicked his tongue and reached to lift Virgil’s chin with his fingers.

“Look at me, darling”, he said, patient, as he’s always been with Virgil.

The memories of all the times Virgil got to experience that patience stung both of their hearts, past still painful upon reminiscing. It hurt too long to disappear just like that, in a few minutes. However, there was a bit of fondness mixed in Janus’s emotions, just because of the resemblance the present exhibited. After all, the history goes in circles. It was just a little spark of hope that what once was could possibly resurface in mildly modified form, one day.

After a few seconds, Virgil met Janus’s gaze. And it took his breath away once again.

“I understand”, Janus said. He knew Virgil. Knew how much time it took for him to be comfortable with something even seemingly new. And he knew himself , knew how hard it was to as much as imagine getting those words out in the past, even if they were obvious in the air, in their eyes, in their gestures.

Janus leaned in once more, just a bit, leaving the decision to close the gap to Virgil, leaving him room to show what he couldn’t say with the comfort of knowing it wasn’t unwelcome. No matter if he decided to follow through or move back – it would be a direct tell.

So Virgil kissed him.

Their past wasn’t erased and it still required a proper talk. They both were aware of that fact. They knew their current behaviour might just be a one last goodbye if they decided not to get back together, but they both hoped it won’t be the case.

Maybe they would go back a few paces, start over, build up from being friends to maybe something more. They weren’t planning on rushing things. Not everyone gets second chances in life and they knew they wouldn’t risk missing this one.

It would be a lot of work.

A lot of talking through things, a lot of adjusting.

A lot of new things to learn and old habits to get rid of.

A lot of new lines to be wary not to cross.

But that was okay.

They were willing to do this.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what are your thughts! Constructive criticism is always appreciated, too, as long as it's polite, of course


End file.
